Day 5

*Please note, all the names used in the blogs have been changed to stop people hunting them down and slapping them out*

Well, the day is finally here. My last day of Santa. So, here we go...

I decided to get public trasnport again this morning and let Matt do some housework in preparation for tomorrow, So I let left the house with 15 minutes to go till my bus.

I only live 5 minutes away from the bus stop, but I like to be there early. Luckily I do because the bus decided to be 7 minutes early!

Now, this is a world record for the bus line around my place because I have NEVER seen a bus early or on time before...so I was quite shocked. The good thing about the bus being early meant that I ha enough time to Stop @ Max Brennar for a take away white hot chocolate before I made it across the road to my next bus!

So, I went in and asked for my large white hot chocolate on skim to take away and the girl behind counter said to me "Hot chocolate on skim?" and I said "Yes."

And, she said "Isn't that silly? Chocolate is fatty and you're having skim milk...i just think that defeats the purpose!"

Needless to say I told her that I didn't have to buy my hot chocolate from her and would go next doof if she had a problem, in which she quickly made it for me and charged me for the price of a small instead of a large!

Fast forward to 10:16am when I step off my second bus at Kellyville after sitting infornt of a creepy guy that was a hevy breather the WHOLE way from Parramatta to Kellyville...And, I'm walking into the centre for the final time, and I see the guard that has key issues, so I wander up to him thinking he will be able to let me in...but they had taken the keys off him and gave them to another guard...maybe because he has issues getting them out of the hole?! So, he went with me to the other guard, got the keys and off we went to my dressing room...guess what happened? the friggin keys got stuck AGAIN!

This time, I left him there and we to buy a coke, something to eat and put my script in to the chemist to some meds for my foot (long story). When I came back he was just leaving, so it took him 15 minutes to get the key out...I guess he was too embarrassed to ask the other guard for help again!

11:00am...it's taken me 5 days, but I'm finally on time on the floor! YAY me....so off I go with 86 chocolates in my sack, a song in my heart and a body clock counting down the hours till Santa is a long forgotten memory.

Oh, I forgot to mention, when I was putting my script in I was walking past a bunch of kids when one of ladies (that gave me rocky road yesterday) yells out "Hello Santa!" WTF?!

Anyway, I have alot to do, so I'm going to cut straight to the goings on during my time on the floor...

1. Kitt asked for a curry making kit so she can cook like her mother.

2. Joshua wanted a bkie stand, but when his dad told me he didn't have a bike joshua replied, "No dad, I want one of them too."

3. 4 kids screamed when they saw me today

4. A few children hugged me today, even though in my training manual it tells me not to hug them....

5. I learnt today that parents a pushy bastrads - especially Indian + Asian ones. 1 poor girl today was all but forced to stand next to me a get photos while her father snapped away like a tourist at a theme park. the problem was, she was a little scared of me and whimpered the whole time...Bless.

6. while I was talking to some littlies, I felt someone standing over me, so when I had finished my duties I turned around and saw a down syndrome boy staring at me. He was 17 and wanted the Power Rangers on DVD, and he wouldn't let me forget.

Everytime we passed each other he would question me as to what I had requested...God I hope he gets what he wants, or there will be trouble in his house!

7. I got a lot of parents asking me what I wanted to eat and drink tonight when I visited them tonight. I told children not to give me beer because it's wrong to drink and drive, even if it is a sleigh and reindeers...hahaha Although, I was told by a mother and father that they were leaving out Oysters and Champagne for me...not that I like either of them, but still...lucky lucky lucky (i should be so lucky in love...haha)

8. Now, this is why Santas should have a meeting after they work to swap stories so this never happens. One girl came up to me to asked how Mrs. Clause was because "I" had told her at another centre that Mrs. Clause was unwell and was in bed sick with the elves looking after her. Why would you say somethign as stupid as that?!

Anyway, at 1:40pm I ran out of chocolates. So, 5 days and 576 magic elves chocolates later I took my fur trimmed boots for the last time, hung my costume up, wrapped my wig in it's net, kissed my beard goodbye as I put in paper and pack in the box and got ready to wish all the staff I had become friends with, Merry Christmas, had a quick perve on all the good looking guys that were wandering around, said goodbye to the guards, and much to my surprise Tibor had just rocked up to start his shirt, so I got to say goodbye to him aswell, jumped in Matt's car and head home...until, I realised I left my umbrella in my change room...LOL

Well, I hope you have all enjoyed reading my blogs.

That's me done.Merry christmas to all, and to all a good night xx

Troy :)

Day 4

Hello avid readers.

If you know well, you know that something always happens to me...Well, along with the Santa stories!It all started with my two bus trips out to Kellyville today. Well, nothing actually happened on those trips, and I actually made it there early! I was at the security office @ 10:13am to stick it up Tibor's arse.

But, Tibor wasn't there, it was his day off. One of the other security guards I had come across was sitting there, but he didn't have the keys to my change room...so we go wandering around the centre, that is like a T intersection. Finally, we find him wandering around the car park?!

Up til now I thought tibor was a nightmare to deal with, he's nothng compared to the guard today. Now, I'm not a racsist person (shut up everyone), but this guy was painful. He was South African/Nigerian or close to those nationalities and didn't speak nor understand english very well. When the other guard told him to unlock the office for me he took me up about 3 flights of stairs to some random room?! Then it took me 5 minutes to explain that this WASN'T the room I was meant to be in and that my room was near the loading dock...Fast forward to 10:36am, and i'm finally in my changing room with my little suit and a new box of chocolates I'm about to get dressed when the security guard says "Oh, shit!" Somehow, he had got the key stuck in the lock and was at it like a cat with a ball of wool trying to get the key out...What the...?! So, while he's stuffing around like a teen trying to open his first condom, I went about unpacking the my chocolates and putting then into my Santa Sack, preparing my costume and just getting in the zone...LOL

10:48am FINALLY!!! Aftercalling the other guard the key is freed from the lock and I have 12 minutes to get into my Santa suit, have my final swig of Coke Zero for 20 minutes and get on the floor to spread christmas cheer! I took me 13 minutes...Oops! Oh well.Alright, enough of the basic setting the scene stuff, here's what you all came here for...floor happenings! And, today's are fantastic!

1. Shane Lucas Paxton (6 years old), asked Santa for a see-saw. When I asked him why he wanted one his reply was "SO I can put my sister on it. jump on the other end and send her to the moon!" He also asked for a telescope, but I didn't ask why he wanted that incase it was so he could watch his sister splat into the moon or something.

2. A girl asked for a butterscoth dog. There's a toy on the market at the moment called Biscut the Dog. And it barks, walks, sits, etc... But, butterscoth, i'm not to sure. Maybe it's a new way to sell alcohol to kids?!

3. One of the fathers there today came up to me with his kids after my break when I returned to the floor and started saying some forward things to me like, "You must be hot under all that, why don't you come back to our place when you finsih and we can go for a swim." Ummmm, now he might've been attractive, and verging on a DILF. But, eeewwwww...he was cracking on to SANTA!

4. during one of my many floor walks I noticed some of the chocolates I had been handing out were white-ish. Which means one of two things:
1. they've melted and re-set...and due to the heat out there, I'm sure that's the reason. But,
2. They're off! I'd love for them to be off just so all those little kids go home and spew all over their xmas presents...Merry guy aren't I?

5. The lady at donut King gave me the photo of us form the other day and realised something...The girl I thought that was pinching my arse wasn't her at all...it was the other girl...Oops! and, I look like my father in that suit! AAARRRGGGGH!

6. And, I wanna give a shout out to the ladies at the chemist that saved me a piece of home made rocky road. These ladies were very friendly, and when I went back to get my RR during one of my breaks we had a great chat about xmas and a good bitch about customers and children wanting EVERYTHING!!

7. Speaking of everything. there two kids that followed me around for near to an hour and a half "adding" requests to their list everytime another child asked for something, they wanted it. In the end I said to them "You can ask for it, doesn't mean you are going to get it" It worked cause they stayed away after that! Well people, I have one more day of Santa to go, so hopefully tomorrow is full of stories for you all.

Goodnight xx

Day 3

Today was a little different as I had to rely on public transport to get me to my Santa venue...of course it was running late!! Which made me 2 minutes...yes, 2 minutes...the only reason I know I was 2 minutes late is because the tool security guard from day 1 thought it would be nice to tell me!

He can't friggin' understand English, but he understands what a call time is?! Go figure!!

So, I have to thank the driver on my 601 bus from Parramatta to Kellyville (there it's out of the bag, I'm @ Kellyville) who thought he would help an old guy that clearly had no intentions on riding on the bus and just asked stupid questions like "if I was to go to the Bunnings at Castle Hill what number bus would I get?" Who gives a shit? Shut up ol man and get off the bus before this Santa is late and has to deal stupid non English speaking guards! AAARRRGGGGH!

--Rant over--

for now...

So, I go to the "dressing room" and get all my things out and ready to go, when the guard, let's call him Tibor, opens the door and walks in...while I'm taking my pants off to put on my shorts...He announces that due to management being in today (the woman is a crack up), they'd need to do the right thing and lock the door everytime I leave and unlock it when I return...AWESOME!

So, I decided not to let it get to me as I'm playing Santa and need to be happy and jovial (something apparently my booking agent says I'm not), so following the steps I get ready to get on the floor...as in the shopping centre floor so I can work...Oh, I forgot to mention, I went to donut king to get a coke zero (or as I like to call it, my heroin) and a cream filled donut log thing...But, when I got there, who served me? The sex crazed worker that pinched my delicate arse on Monday (refer to day 1)

11:01am - I open the plastic doors and step on to the floor. the people at Baker's Delight and the butcher stare at me like always and have a giggle at me looking so ridiculous and knowing it's like 30 something degrees and I'm in a red velvet suit, fat suit, beard, wig and big black boots! yeh, ha ha ha....but while ur cuttig bread and meat I'm earning $53 an hour to do jack all!

Now, here are some of the requests and happenings I had while I was Santa-ing

1. four kids (3 girls and a boy) came up to speak to me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what the girls were after as the boy, Jackson (aged 7) was hyeractive and jumping in my face everytime I turned away form him to speak to one of the girls. this is SOME of what he asked for...

* Blue Nintendo DS

* Green Nintendo DS

* Black Xbox 360

* A Real Helicopter

* AAAAAAAAAALL the Pokemon cards

* Red iPod Shuffle

* iPod Touch

* DVDs

* A real Submarine

* A year's supply of Ritalin in my opinion LOL

2. 6 year old Abby asked for an iPod with no screen...so I'm thinking she either wants an iPod shuffle/nano or a proper iPod and I can punch the screen so it's cracked and she won't have one. she wasn't to clear on the details...

3. A sweet little girl asked for a "Hit and swim Baby Born" Hhhhmmmm...I think she may have had the name wrong? Or Zaph Creations that make Baby Born have created a doll for children that wanna grow up to be bogans and practise physical abuse from an eraly age...afterall, I am working in Kellyville!

4. Another sweetie that had me in stitches, and her mother in shock was Sissy, who was 3 and had a big sister, Amy. Here is what Sissy asked for (you need to imagnie these being said in baby talk for the full effect):

* A baby doll

* A bottle

* A pram

* A dummy

* A boat and..

* A machine gun?!

Wow, Bi-polar sets in quick out west...LOL

5. One mother got angry at me because I had given her children chocolate and not somethng healthy like an Apple?! since when has Santa been health aware? He's an Obeese old guy with probably type 1 & 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and one brandy away form a heart attack!

6. This has been my fave moment so far. I wandered up to a woman with her two daughters that were sitting at Michel's Patisserie and said "Hello, what are your names?". the mother said, and I quote "We don't celebrate Christmas and my girls don't need you forcing it upon them, so can you stay away from this areauntil we have left!?"

In which my reply was, "Oh...OK....MERRY CHRISTMAS!!" Take that you dumb bitch! LOL

7. This is a mixture of other things I got asked for today to end my blog:

* A shovel

* Hannah Montana Doll

* 60,000,000 pink Nintendo DS consoles...every girl wants one!

* Spongebob Squarepants stuff

* A photo of Zac Efron...wouldn't we all

Oh, I forgot to mention that Kellyville is an untapped source of hotness...yes, attractive males EVERYWHERE!

Well, that's me done. Join me tomorrow with a new box of chocolates and hopefully some more stories!

Laterz,Troy

ps. never fart in a santa suit...it can't escape until it works it way up and out of your beard while ur talking to some children...enough said

Day 2

Today was day 2 of my week as Santa.

I got to the shopping centre at 10:30am, and found a guard that could open up my room where my costume and stuff are.

Once I got there he asked me to lock the door when I left. but, that would mean I would have to find him every 20 minutes so he could unlock the door.

So we comprimised; I left the door unlocked and he wold come around and check it out!! So, he left me to get ready, I unpacked my kit and followed the steps to become the Jolly ol' fart...20 minutes later and I'm on the floor.

106 chocolates later a request for a Chiuaua, being told that is a little girl didn't get her worms Nintendo DS game she would stop believing in me because it means I'm not real and a spoilt brat asking me for an iPod touch, clothes, dvd player, foxtel, cds, dvds and high school musical tickets, plus a lot of other ridiculous requests I took my outfit off, with white fur trim boots that are slightly pink now due to the pants being velvet and me sweating...oops! short story today, running late already for my bus...AAARRRRGH!

ho ho ho

Day 1 of 5

Today was my first day of playing Santa at shopping centre in the west of Sydney. And, I thoguht I would share my experiences with you, cause when you are working with kids things are bound to happen. So, read along and enjoy!

My call time today was 1030 to start as the jolly ol' man @ 11. to make sure I wasn't late, Matt and I left home at 930 incase the navman was going to play up or we got lost or something...of course that didn't happen and it only took us 20 minutes.

9:50am - Matt & I find a security guard at the centre that we think may be able to point us in the direction of Centre Management so I can pick up my costume and prepare myself for a day of fun...Sadly this wasn't the case. "Can you tell us where centre management is please?" "I am Centre Management" replied the guard...great start! So, after trying to explain to him:

1. Who Santa was

2. I was working there today

3. Who santa was again

We had a breakthrough and he showed Matt and I to the security office where another guard was, but no Santa kit.

After a few phone calls to my agent and various people from the Shopping Centre, one of who had no idea I was working there today or for the rest of week, we tracked down the missing Santa kit and we were on our way to get dressed.

10:15 after getting the suit out and making sure everything is ok, I crank up the air conditioning in the office and start making my transformation. I follow the instructions of how to get dressed as per my Santa training manual...

1. Remove all clothing, however we suggest you wear a cotton singlet and short under suit (I chose to wear a cotton on shirt and little shorts form Jay Jays...I may be santa, but I can be gay underneath).

2. Put on trousers so that the opening in on the right hand side (there is no centre fly opening ). Pull drawstring tight, make bow and tuck inside trouser. (that's all well and good but my pants were not like that...they were elastic. there was also a fat suit I put on).

3. Trousers tuck in to leather boots with gaiters on top of boots. Make sure you keep your boots shiny and clean.

4. Next is your coat. Put on and do up.

5. Now put your belt on.

6. Now look at your eyebrows. if there is just one hundredth of a part of black showing your eyebrows will be photographed black. Take a liner stick and colour them white. Do not put rouge on your cheeks or nose as it will run into the beard.

7. The beard. With it you use two points of leverage. First your law at the bottom - then put the elastic at the top of your head towards the back on the spot barbers call the 'bald spot' (this however, is not as easy as stated).

8. Now the wig, you get into the wig forward (??). Hold it in your right hand and steadying it with the left and pull it up, over and down. Now settle it and you are almost a Santa, apart form one more article, your hat.

9. Pull the hat on from the back. Adjust the front to a lone about half an inch up on the hair of your wig with one big curl sticking out. Set the hat to a rakish angle and then take the tassle and put it carefully to one side.

10. Next come your glasses.

11. Now put your gloves on and you are now the complete Santa!

It is now 10:50am, so I sit a relax befor going out and making the festive season festive.

11:00am - 2:00pm I work in 20 minute sets (20 on, 20 off). This doesn't always happen as I didn't have a watch, so my first set was 30 minutes (oops).

Now for the fun part. These are things that I was asked for or told or that happened to me while I was "on the floor"One boy asked me for World Peace which knocked me over. He was such a sweet kid and I got a little teary eyed as he explained why. His mum was very proud of him.

A little girl, 3 or 4, asked for not one but TWO "outside playgrounds".

There was numerous requsts for a Nintendo DS. Nintendo will be making a fortune this silly season.

One boy asked for "Educational materials" because "He has too many toys" said his mum. LOL - whose fault is that you stupid bitch?!

But, my faves were when a little shit of a kid followed me around the centre for 5 minutes telling me and anyone else that would listen that I wasn't the real Santa.

She would only go away when I told her I would have to move her to my naughty list if she didn't let other children talk to me....HAHAH.

Then there was the child that told me I wasn't real, I was created by toy companies to spoil children..But. My all time favourite was when the staff at Donut King asked to have a photo with me and when I stood there with them one of the girls pinched my arse. LOL

Well, there's my day for you all, hope you enjoyed this and look forward to reading the next few days!

Santa

Welcome

Hello everyone.

Welcome to my daily blog - this all came about because I was asked to
play Santa at a Shopping Centre in Western Sydney and thought it would

be interesting to blog my daily adventures as the big man on facebook.

It became quite a hit with my friends, so I have created this blog for everyone to read. There are onyl a few more days till Christmas, which means my Santa blogs will stop, but I thoguth I'd just blog my days and with a family like mine, there is bound to be some crazy stuff happening on Christmas day....so enjoy!